Am I looking through a glass window or into a looking glass?

"What we are, that only can we see"- Ralph Emerson

"All criticism is a form of autobiography"- Oscar Wilde

" Life is but a mirror, in whose reflection I see,

Not a myriad of others, but a little bit of me.

To accept its beauty and perfection, As if it all were true,

Must I not forget about whom I'm speaking, T's me , not you."-Robert. Brehm.

" The story always represents the storyteller."-Robert Brehm

On one end of a continuum, the term " interpersonal relationships" may refer to a series of  temporal interactions between two or more individuals, or on the other end of the continuum  the term  may refer to two, or more, individual' interactions, relationships and structure which may be preserved over generations of time. As the above aphorisms, and poem, are intended to illustrate,  the process in relationships is quite complex. 

Rhetorical Question: Have you ever thought that when it comes to  interpersonal relationships, it may be more accurate to say that "believing is seeing, rather than saying " seeing is believing" ? Nevertheless, you may not find it always easy to build, establish, and maintain relationships. Actually some research supports the following attributions:

What we choose to see,

what we want  to see,

or what we  expect to see, 

may be a result of our own interpretations of our perceptions. Perception refers to the process of gathering information from our sensory inputs from which we, interpret what the information means, and then decide, whether, if and how, to respond to a given situation.[1]

Self-perception theory and other perception theory, briefly stated, are theories which refer to a means of increasing our self-awareness. The concept" self-awareness"  refers to our ability to "observe ourselves , " or to introspect,  i.e., to notice  how our  behavior, feelings and reactions are caused by our thinking. Self-perception theory postulates that self-observation is important in increasing our self awareness. Other perception  theory, or social comparison theory, maintains that making comparisons with others is important in increasing our self-awareness.[2]

Both theories  provide us a theoretical basis for understanding  our perceptions in interpersonal relationships and  for providing us a practical means by receiving  feedback in order to assess our need for acquiring interpersonal effectiveness skills. Interpersonal effectiveness may be defined as  "the degree to which the consequences of our behavior match our intentions."[3]

How do you perceive your relationships?

( Answer the following questions and then check your answers below.)

     *     1. Would you like a relationship to be totally free of conflict? Yes No

2. Do you think that people who are in love should not have to ask each other for affection or consideration? Yes No

3. Do you expect the one you love to relieve you of anxieties which you cannot cope well with on your own ? Yes No

4. Do you discipline yourself so as not to bring troubles home with you? Yes No

5. Do you make an effort to avoid telling your partner unpleasant things and feelings about yourself? Yes No [4]

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then toxic patterns of thought and behavior are no doubt keeping you from the joy and satisfaction you could be experiencing in your closest relationship.

Even if you answered "no" to all the questions, you may be unaware of your need at your conscious level of awareness. Let's take a look at the illustration in the figure below.

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Imagine your conscious  awareness of your  need for interpersonal effectiveness skills, is analogous to your conscious awareness of the tip of an iceberg floating on top of the water. You  believe you  see the entire iceberg but actually most of it is underwater. Any disturbance to the tip of the iceberg usually does not change the balance floating above the water but a change under the surface may even cause the iceberg to sink.

As with icebergs, so it is with relationships, sometimes what is happening is not at our obvious conscious awareness level but rather is at our unconscious awareness level.

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Increase your self-awareness by taking an inventory!

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 Note the standards for the assignments:

To receive full credit for your assignments  send email  in complete standard English sentences, provide operational definitions of words,  illustrate by  example, cite sources used in your answers, and provide reasoning when giving your own opinion and  support it with your own experience and example.

Assignment

Please note the definition of the terms " Interpersonal Effectiveness" that we are using in this course.

."Interpersonal effectiveness is defined as the degree to which the consequences of our behavior match our intentions."[5]

 Most students answer this one as they rely on their own  idea of the definition of  " Interpersonal Effectiveness" and assume that if one gives a reason or justification for the difference between what one says and does that it would be  termed " Interpersonal Effectiveness."

 Notice that we are  looking at this from the sender's point of view and we are not  looking at it from the receiver's point of view. We will look at the scenarios from the receivers point of view when we learn about the concept  of giving and receiving " feedback" to the sender.

This lesson is not intended to be a " trick" question but be careful as to how you provide your answer or it may seem to be a " trick" question.

Read the scenarios below and answer the questions that follow.

.John is walking along the sidewalk and bumps into someone and says, "I am sorry".

1.Was John effective or not  according to the definition of  the concept" interpersonal effectiveness" as we are using it in this course?

"Interpersonal effectiveness is defined as the degree to which the consequences of our behavior match our intentions."[5]

 Jane, on the other hand, bumps into someone and says, " Nice, bumping into you this morning."

 2.Was Jane effective or ineffective?  

 If you answered  yes, then  explain your reasoning. If no, explain your reasoning. You should provide an example when answering questions. 

3. What do you think now? Do you have a need to improve your interpersonal effectiveness according to our definition?  Give an example to support your viewpoint.

__________________________________________________________________________

Extra Credit Assignments

Explain how you  agree, or disagree, with the aphorisms and poem cited above. Be sure and cite the quotation, aphorism, or poem, to which you are referring and explain what they mean to you.

 Give examples from your own experience to support, or refute, those aphorisms and poem.

You may also take other online inventories and receive 5 points per inventory. You must provide the URL, a summary of the findings, and provide your reasoning how it is relevant to the course lessons. For example, you may wish to click your mouse pointer on the following hyperlinks [Online Personality] [Other Tests] or use www.google.com and search for other inventories.

Extra Reading Assignment

  1.[Click on  hyperlink:  Don E. Hamachek,  Encounter with Others: Interpersonal Relationships and You, New York: Holt, Rinehart, Winston, 1997 p.2-3

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     1..[ Don E. Hamachek,  Encounter with Others: Interpersonal Relationships and You, New York: Holt, Rinehart, Winston, 1997 p.2-3
     2.  David W. Johnson,  Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self Actualization, 10th ed.,  Boston: Allyn and Bacon, 2009,  p. 56  
    3.  David W. Johnson, Reaching Out: Interpersonal Effectiveness and Self-Actualization,9th ed.,  Boston  : Allyn and Bacon, 2009,  p. 56
      4.  Jerry Greenwald, Creative Intimacy,  Simon and Schuster, Inc., 1975  
5. Ibid.,  D.W. Johnson, p. 388

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Email: rbrehm@msn.com  Telephone:  Cell 206-930-4197.
Copyright © 1998  [Robert Brehm]. All rights reserved.

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